Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Animal Dating

I have many animals, all with very distinct personalities. This entry presents to you the 'anthropomorphications' of my many furry companions, in the form of singles ads!

My dog transforms into the lovely Ms Suzy. She enjoys eating pasta and grapes, as well as playing with rabbits. She is a small lady fond of company and always happy to have a companion around.

Next in line is my rat- the suave and handsome Mr Belvedier. At 60 years of age he is still very spritely and active. His favourite activities include curling up on the couch watching Ratatouille and eating macadamia nuts. He prefers to sleep during the day and move about at night, but is perfectly happy to go for a lazy picnic at any time with someone who cares. He is very clean, bathing at least four times a day. He is lactose intolerant and so does not eat dairy products.

Ms Pickle is my lop-eared bunny. Her favourite foods include carrots and apples, and her favourite colour is orange. She loves exercise and is very outdoorsy. She is stubborn and strong-minded, and extremely intelligent. Solving puzzles is one of her favourite passtimes. She looks up to Harry Houdini and Criss Angel.

Last, but not least, the incredible Mr Splinter! This dashing young man is incredibly active and easily excitable. His interests include digging, climbing things and trying to fit into small spaces. He loves to eat meat, and doesn't really eat anything that's not meat-based. Splinter is a real party animal who enjoys playing games for hours on end, but he also won't pass up the opportunity for a good long sleep.

Who would you choose?
Mr Belvedier is currently sitting on my shoulder and I don't think he's going to move any time soon.
I think I choose him.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Phat with an 'F'.

I just got back from an incredible overseas adventure with my other half, whom we shall call The Amazing 'Mr X' from now on, for lack of a cooler pseudonym.
As I have mentioned in the past, I have a pet rat, who is my absolute ultimate best friend. As I have also mentioned, my father loves my rat too. His name is Belvedier and that's his real name. My rat, not my father.
A few weeks before I went overseas with Mr X, I was told by the vet that Belvedier was a little bit overweight, and that he should cut mealworms out of his diet because mealworms are full of protein and too fattening for a rat of his age.

And so the one instruction that Father was left with- "Don't feed the rat mealworms."


Only eleven days later, I return, very keen to see the beautiful little boy I had left behind.
This is what Belvedier looked like before I left:

And this is the animal I came back to:

Needless to say, Belvedier was insanely happy about the amount of mealworms that he was allowed to chow down on during my absence.
I, however, was not so pleased. I picked up my pet, almost losing my pinky finger in between one of his rolls of fat. He squelched with pride, overflowing from the edges of my hand while he sat there like a happy Sultan.

He is now on a strict diet of pellets and zucchini.

It is a slight strain on our relationship.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Through The Glass Tank

So I work in a pet shop.
More specifically I work in the aquarium section of a pet shop.

One of the things that my co-workers and I find ourselves speculating about, happens to be the concept of a "Fish Parallel Universe", or FPU, for the purpose of this post.
In FPU, everything is underwater and fish run the world. People are sold as pets to fish, and are kept in small glass tanks that are oxygenated. Also, fish are the size of humans, and vice versa.
This is what a pet store looks like in FPU.

As with any animal that is taken under the wing of another, humans would need special care.
This is what the FPU care sheets for humans look like.

Humans are a great choice for a pet.
Although they only have a memory of around one week, they are interactive, and cheap and easy to maintain. With the proper love and care, your human should live to around ten years of age!
Before bringing your new pet person home, you need to make sure you've set up their new home.
Make sure you have a nice strong tank that will withstand external water pressure, and a good supply of oxygen pumping through the tank.
Contrary to popular belief, humans do actually need some water to survive, so place a small bowl of water in their tank for them. Humans also eat a great deal of food relative to their size, so make sure to feed your human three times a day. Each meal should be approximately the size of their two balled up fists. You can feed them any vegetables that you don't finish at the dinner table.
Humans are best kept in pairs, or even numbers. We recommend your setup have 1 oxygen canister per human in the tank, so as to assure enough air for them to breathe. However pure oxygen is not enough for humans, so you must treat each oxygen canister with three types of "air conditioners"- nitrogen, argon, and carbon dioxide. This will ensure your human stays happy and healthy.
Please provide somewhere private for your human to go to the toilet, and make sure you clean this daily.
In terms of substrate, you can use grass, dirt, carpet, or linoleum, all of which we provide in store. Tank accessories like  furniture or wall decorations are optional, but they will make your tank look far more appealing, and will help to keep your human entertained.
We do not recommend that you handle your human, or remove it from its tank at any time. Humans do not have the ability to extract oxygen from water, and you will soon find yourself having to replace your pet.
Once your tank is set up and ready to go, one of our friendly staff will help you choose a healthy, happy human to take home! Let the human sit in the tank inside its transport bag for around 10 minutes before you let it explore its surroundings.
Enjoy your new found friend!