Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Through The Glass Tank

So I work in a pet shop.
More specifically I work in the aquarium section of a pet shop.

One of the things that my co-workers and I find ourselves speculating about, happens to be the concept of a "Fish Parallel Universe", or FPU, for the purpose of this post.
In FPU, everything is underwater and fish run the world. People are sold as pets to fish, and are kept in small glass tanks that are oxygenated. Also, fish are the size of humans, and vice versa.
This is what a pet store looks like in FPU.

As with any animal that is taken under the wing of another, humans would need special care.
This is what the FPU care sheets for humans look like.

Humans are a great choice for a pet.
Although they only have a memory of around one week, they are interactive, and cheap and easy to maintain. With the proper love and care, your human should live to around ten years of age!
Before bringing your new pet person home, you need to make sure you've set up their new home.
Make sure you have a nice strong tank that will withstand external water pressure, and a good supply of oxygen pumping through the tank.
Contrary to popular belief, humans do actually need some water to survive, so place a small bowl of water in their tank for them. Humans also eat a great deal of food relative to their size, so make sure to feed your human three times a day. Each meal should be approximately the size of their two balled up fists. You can feed them any vegetables that you don't finish at the dinner table.
Humans are best kept in pairs, or even numbers. We recommend your setup have 1 oxygen canister per human in the tank, so as to assure enough air for them to breathe. However pure oxygen is not enough for humans, so you must treat each oxygen canister with three types of "air conditioners"- nitrogen, argon, and carbon dioxide. This will ensure your human stays happy and healthy.
Please provide somewhere private for your human to go to the toilet, and make sure you clean this daily.
In terms of substrate, you can use grass, dirt, carpet, or linoleum, all of which we provide in store. Tank accessories like  furniture or wall decorations are optional, but they will make your tank look far more appealing, and will help to keep your human entertained.
We do not recommend that you handle your human, or remove it from its tank at any time. Humans do not have the ability to extract oxygen from water, and you will soon find yourself having to replace your pet.
Once your tank is set up and ready to go, one of our friendly staff will help you choose a healthy, happy human to take home! Let the human sit in the tank inside its transport bag for around 10 minutes before you let it explore its surroundings.
Enjoy your new found friend!


  1. This is unsettling for a vast number of reasons, but the picture just says it all. Look at the murderous glint in its eyes!

  2. do you think in FPU there is fish racism?

  3. That is a great question.... We never thought that far at work...
    I think yes. There is definitely a social hierarchy in FPU. And, similar to our society, whilst not all fish care about differences in race, those who do really make their opinions clear...