Friday, January 14, 2011

Hell's Little Minions

It's summer on my side of the world.

In fact, it's not just any summer. It's a summer of plagues. Similar to the 10 plagues of Egypt kind of thing.
I therefore present to you- THE TWO PLAGUES OF MELBOURNE!

The 1st plague is a repeat of the eight Egytpian plague- THE LOCUSTS!

I have only had contact with two locusts in the comfort of my suburban surroundings- the second occasion was a brief encounter. The first, however was the most memorable.
I was enjoying a lovely dinner with the animal-loving people with whom I work, when the next thing I know someone had thrown a locust into my hair. I reacted as any sane individual would, and went foetal for the rest of the evening.

These little guys are not, however, the main point of my story.
I am getting to a far darker issue. The second Melbourne plague- MOSQUITOES!

I go to bed after a hard day of doing nothing in the heat, read through the biography of one murderer or another to send me off to sleep and turn off my light when I get sleepy.
I am just about to nod off when I hear it. Directly in my ear. Loud, and piercing.
The sound of evil.

In a snap, the sleep is gone, and the huntress within awakens.
I leap onto the bed, dishevelled hair and tacky pyjamas, but I don't care. I will get these little bloodsuckers if it's the last thing I do.
I grab the closest thing to me, which just so happens to be a National Geographic magazine feature on flying insects, and start swatting frantically in mid air. The swatting gets me nowhere, though, so I decide to regroup and go for a more calculated strategy.

I know one thing for sure about mosquitos. Mosquitos can fly.
I also know that most irritating flying things are attracted to light.
I cannot fly. But I do have a light.
I therefore conclude that I need to get myself up high, and near a single light source.
This is a diagram of my plan of action:

So I'm balanced on the head of my bed, adrenalin pumping, war paint on, dorky pyjamas blowing in the wind, Europe's "Final Countdown" playing in the background, mosquito still going

And I wait for my moment.
I wait.
And I wait.
Listening to that deafening noise get closer.
And closer.
And closer.

This is possibly the proudest moment of my life.
This is amazing.

I snuggle myself back into bed, feeling exponentially pleased with myself as time goes by.
Looking forward to a good night's sleep without being bitten by the mosquito that I just dominated. I again read a couple of chapters of my murder book and start to drift off to sleep.
I turn off the light, and before I know it...
I hear it again!
I turn my light on and check the wall where I hit my target. It's definitely there, a little black smudge of a trophy on my red bedroom walls.
But sure enough, I can still hear that dreadful drone.

I look above me, only to see a sight that devastates me to this very day-
 THREE MORE MOSQUITOS circling my head.

So I do what any intelligent, self-respecting individual would do in this situation.

Night watch.

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