Hell's Little Minions

It's summer on my side of the world.

In fact, it's not just any summer. It's a summer of plagues. Similar to the 10 plagues of Egypt kind of thing.
I therefore present to you- THE TWO PLAGUES OF MELBOURNE!


The 1st plague is a repeat of the eight Egytpian plague- THE LOCUSTS!

I have only had contact with two locusts in the comfort of my suburban surroundings- the second occasion was a brief encounter. The first, however was the most memorable.

I was enjoying a lovely dinner with the animal-loving people with whom I work, when the next thing I know someone had thrown a locust into my hair. I reacted as any sane individual would, and went foetal for the rest of the evening.

These little guys are not, however, the main point of my story.

I am getting to a far darker issue. The second Melbourne plague- MOSQUITOES!

I go to bed after a hard day of doing nothing in the heat, read through the biography of one murderer or another to send me off to sleep and turn off my light when I get sleepy.

I am just about to nod off when I hear it. Directly in my ear. Loud, and piercing.

The sound of evil.

In a snap, the sleep is gone, and the huntress within awakens.

I leap onto the bed, dishevelled hair and tacky pyjamas, but I don't care. I will get these little bloodsuckers if it's the last thing I do.

I grab the closest thing to me, which just so happens to be a National Geographic magazine feature on flying insects, and start swatting frantically in mid air. The swatting gets me nowhere, though, so I decide to regroup and go for a more calculated strategy.

I know one thing for sure about mosquitos. Mosquitos can fly.

I also know that most irritating flying things are attracted to light.

I cannot fly. But I do have a light.

I therefore conclude that I need to get myself up high, and near a single light source.

This is a diagram of my plan of action:

So I'm balanced on the head of my bed, adrenalin pumping, war paint on, dorky pyjamas blowing in the wind, Europe's "Final Countdown" playing in the background, mosquito still going

And I wait for my moment.

I wait.

And I wait.

Listening to that deafening noise get closer.

And closer.

And closer.

Then

This is possibly the proudest moment of my life.

This is amazing.

I AM THE RULER OF ALL THINGS GREAT!!!

I snuggle myself back into bed, feeling exponentially pleased with myself as time goes by.

Looking forward to a good night's sleep without being bitten by the mosquito that I just dominated. I again read a couple of chapters of my murder book and start to drift off to sleep.

I turn off the light, and before I know it...

I hear it again!

I turn my light on and check the wall where I hit my target. It's definitely there, a little black smudge of a trophy on my red bedroom walls.

But sure enough, I can still hear that dreadful drone.

I look above me, only to see a sight that devastates me to this very day-

 THREE MORE MOSQUITOS circling my head.

So I do what any intelligent, self-respecting individual would do in this situation.

Night watch.